


The Guilt that Breaks You

by FlyAbove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x19 Coda, Cas is depressed, Coda, Episode: s13e19 Funeralia, Feelings, Gen, Guilt, Season 8, Torture, Trauma, i hate naomi but man is amanda tapping great or what, season 13, spn spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 07:43:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14374128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyAbove/pseuds/FlyAbove
Summary: Cas is guilty





	The Guilt that Breaks You

**Author's Note:**

> this is a mess of jumbled thoughts. I just read the tweets about 13x19 and oh my god they brought up Cas' torture again. how could i not write a blurb about it. Also I tagged this as dean/cas even though i didn't really talk about them as a couple. I think Naomi making Castiel's torture be having to kill just Dean is indicative of his feelings for him. So while it's not explicitly mentioned, i do think this should be read with the idea Cas loves Dean.
> 
> It's only 400 or so words though it's not like I wrote a novel so i'm gonna stop acting like I did. Do what you want. Also ignore any typos. lol

Cas remembers the first Dean the most vividly. Dean approached him with a smile and a pat to the back and a lighthearted joke about a previous hunt. 

“You want a beer?” Dean asked. Cas nodded and watched fondly as Dean walked away.

“Kill him.” Naomi demanded.

Cas turned to Naomi, confused and appalled at his sibling’s order.

“I said to kill him, Castiel.”

He refused.

“Alright then.” Naomi nodded at two angels who had been standing off to the side, watching the entire exchange. Suddenly Cas was being held still. He screamed while trying to break free, tears falling as he continued to refuse Naomi’s orders. Naomi then took his hand and forced his angel blade through the hunter’s chest. The light faded from Dean’s eyes slow enough that Cas vomited twice before Dean even hit the ground, despite having not eaten anything for months. 

“Don’t worry Castiel.” Naomi said calmly. “He wasn’t real. This was a test. Apparently, we have a lot of work to do.” Naomi left with a stern look on her face and Cas’ bloody angel blade in her hand, leaving Cas with nothing but a lifeless body that resembled his best friend.

It had been five years.

Five years since Castiel had been accustomed to, no, _craved_ the sound of Dean’s bones breaking underneath his grip.

It’s been five years of the same loop of images playing every day in Cas’ mind. The thousands of Dean’s lying on the ground, quickly followed by the image of the real Dean, holding onto Cas’ arm so tightly while he pleaded for his life as Cas beat him senseless.

There’s never a moment when Castiel doesn’t feel guilty.

Seeing Naomi again brought those memories back to the forefront of Cas’ brain, along with a whole new batch of guilt. Not only did he fail Dean all those years ago, but now his home has become a shell of what it once was. It’s slowly fading away from existence and Cas can do absolutely nothing about it. 

He remembers his siblings, watching alongside him as God created the universe. They sat in awe, like a group of children watching fireworks on a hot summer day. 

He remembers the time Gabriel and Raphael made bets on when and where the first volcano would erupt. They were so riddled with excitement they sent their armies down to earth to watch every volcano, and when Michael found out he made the two materialize their wings and roll around in tar pits. It was supposed to be a punishment but Gabriel saw it as a spa day.

A lot has changed since then.

Castiel hasn’t considered Heaven as home since meeting the Winchesters. But it was, for a majority of his existence, his place of purpose. It will always be a piece of him.

Cas now exists knowing that piece of him is dying and it is entirely his fault as is with everything.

He can’t drown, but he’s certain this is exactly what it feels like.

**Author's Note:**

> I think the end of heaven, if that is where they are going with this, is a very sad storyline, especially in regards to Cas. These celestial beings have been around since the dawn of time, and i want to get into what that means in more serious, detailed terms when this sorta plays out more on the show. But for now, for the purpose of this little fic, i think it's an interesting idea to show how his guilt could come from both positive and negative memories. I think Cas being who he is would be even more guilty looking back on the joyous times in heaven, and seeing how far they've fallen from that once positive and strong place of knowledge/history. It being erased with angels basically going extinct is something i think Cas feels the most guilty about, and even if it isn't what it used to be, it holds a special place in his heart. It is a piece of him I will be very sad to watch go.


End file.
